Reflections on black and white

I read on the news, "A US grand jury will be asked to decide whether to prosecute a New York police officer over the fatal shooting of an unarmed black man in Brooklyn."
And this is only a few days after another grand jury decided not to charge another NY cop who killed another unarmed black man. And after another cop was found innocent of killing a black kid in Ferguson this past summer.
I´m a white, kind of wealthy european girl. I´m writing from my bed, in my crappy but comfortable room in Madrid. What do I know, right?
Right.
I don´t know much about US law. I have never experienced racism myself. I have probably had involuntary racist behaviours many times in my life. But to me, being racist makes as much sense as hating/disliking/distrusting people who wear a blue shirt.
I´m not familiar with the Ferguson case, I never got to read much about it. But I know there´s been controversy about the facts, and it was not clear whether the killing was self defense or the kid had been trying to surrender (hands up, they said). Though in any case, I don´t get how six shots can be considered "self defense", but ok, let´s buy it. There was a reasonable doubt. He was found innocent. I´m glad he decided to quit, anyways.
But in this new case... What is it to decide? It´s a cop killing an unarmed man because he was entering his own house. Just doesn´t make sense. The decision to make should be whether or not he´s guilty of homicide, in a court. But whether or not to press charges? It´s absurd.
And yet I think the cop in Ferguson is more punishable. Again, I don´t know, so from here on this is just me hypothesizing, without any objective data to support what I´m saying.
But to me, there are mostly two different kinds of racism.
The first one would be hate. The kind of hate of those who wave the confederate flag. Those who believe that black people are a lower race, born to serve white people, and clearly not worthy of the same rights as them. (Writing this makes me feel so embarrased of being white!).
The second kind of racism would be distrust. People who are conditioned by society or education to be afraid of black people, or to think that they might be dangerous. This may sound a little forced, but these people might as well be considered as victims of racism...
So I don´t think there was an intention to kill a black person from the cop in Brooklyn. Even if he had been a person who loves killing black people for fun, doing that would have been absurd considering the current social context. No one would be so stupid to risk his career like that - I want to think. So I think in this case, the cop was another victim of a racist society with racist prejudices.
Now, this doesn´t mean I don´t think he should be punished! He should be charged, he should be judged, and he should be found guilty. But not guilty of a racist crime, but guilty of killing another person, no matter what the race, for no reason. Yes, his motivation was a racist prejudice, but probably not a racist hate. And for prejudice, there´s a whole society to blame.
I got so mad these past days reading the news. It made me wish I could resign from being white. It made me wish I could do something to prove that I don´t belong to this, I hope, minority of white people who believe themselves to be superior beings. I saw a photo of one of the protests in NY, and for a moment I thought, I should be there.
But then I thought, would I really want to be there? The photo showed lots of black people, mostly black women at the front, holding banners, raising fists, yelling in a very aggressive pose. Understandable, of course. That´s exactly how I myself would be, if I was there protesting.
But then, would they want to see me there? Would they want to have the enemy in their ranks? Wouldn´t they, at least some of them, think that I´m mocking them, that I´m ruining their cause? That a black protest has no place for a white oppressor?
Again, that´s how far my ignorance can go. I´m sure most black people would want white people to join them. But the truth is, there was not one single white person in that particular photo.
And I thought, if this is how I feel, being here, completely external to what is happening there, then things must be so messed up right now. Racial hate must be highest than ever in the past few years. Blacks hating whites for being racist, whites hating blacks for accusing them of racism... Obama in the middle of it, making unfortunate or rather polemic statements, being partial, taking sides... But how can one, black or white, or mixed, or asian, or eskimo, stay impartial here?
I guess things will get better with time. They have to. Maybe within a few generations, when we are all mixed, who knows. But in the meantime, I wish there was something that could be done. I wish we could take all these stupid ignorant racist whites, and slap them over and over until we shook stupidity off...
Anyways, this is how much my daily 6 minutes breakfasts yield...