Goals (welcoming 2015)

Old year dying, new year arising...

Stupid or not, I have got used to this routine of blogging by the end of every year, to take a look back and see how the year was, and also take a look forward and set my goals for the next year.
Last year I decided 2013 had been my best year so far. And for the 1st time, I didn´t write down a list of goals or expectations for 2014. This is what I wrote:

"It´s all so uncertain right now, that I cannot make many purposes for the new year... So I will stick to the immediate: pass the MIR, come back to NY, start studying for the damned USMLE and the TOEFL... And make the path by walking."

Well, I can say I did it all, so 2014 was a good year too.

I welcomed the new year in NY, dancing with a guy I got to really admire (yep, me, dancing). I did quite well at the exam, well enough to get the post I wanted. I came back to NY. And I also visited Philadelphia, Boston, Washington and Columbus. I loved, I laughed, I cried. I got the chance to observe in an american hospital. I had a wonderful 3 year old kid sleeping by my side after he peed on his mattress. I got a job I really like, I met quite a few people and made quite a few good friends. I moved back to my crappy apartment, where you can practice roach hunting even in the shower. I got serious about the USMLE. And, the most important thing, I learnt where I want my life to go -- and I´m working for it.

As for the year to come, I have it very clear what I want from it, but for the 1st time in my life I feel that it´s only up to me to make it happen. So once more, I won´t write down a list of expectations, though I have to say that, in 2015, I hope I get the chance to read more, write more, meet more interesting people and keep growing and getting wiser. And I also hope to get my green card -- karma owes me. The rest is entirely on my hand. Though my wish to have a dusty wooden attic with a piano, a guitar, a huge old chest containing who knows what, old books, an easel and oil paintings is still there...

But instead of talking about my goals, I would like to take about "goals", just like that, in general.
This is something I´ve been thinking about a lot lately, and I want to share a brief reflection with all you people of the world who will never read my posting. I have been wondering why it is so important to me to pass the USMLE, to get another observership, to come back to the US, etc. I have been seriously considering if that was what I really wanted, after all. I have been trying to convince myself that the fact that I wanted to do all that did not obey to rational but to emotional reasons. And myself ended up convincing me otherwise. I guess she´s a better arguer.
I don´t care about how things turn out. Maybe one of these days I will meet somebody, and I will decide to stay here a little longer until we see how things unfold. Maybe within a few years I will be a happily married proud mom and I won´t want to leave this decadent country anymore. Who knows. But right now, right here, I don´t want to feel trapped. And I want to know that I will be able to do whatever the fuck I want to do, to live wherever the fuck I want to live. I know I will be good at what I do, because I have a clinical experience that most of my peers lack. But I want to know that I can be good wherever it is that I want to be good.
Also, and you might think this is stupid, the fact that I was able to be by myself in a foreign country made me feel incredibly free, and I don´t want to lose that feeling. And I know that, even if I finally decide not to leave, the fact that I passed the exams, that I had the choice, will make me be proud of myself. And I want to keep learning from a culture I used to consider arrogant not long ago (and I still find funny sometimes).
But anyways, I´m losing my own thread here. I did not want to discuss "my" goals, but the importance of having goals.
Because I think life is just a succession of goals and achievements. You need to have one goal to keep you active and motivated. You need to achieve that goal to feel proud and fulfilled. And then, you need to get a new goal so you don´t get lost in your own comfort and self satisfaction. And I guess our goals are one of the things that can best define us. When we meet someone, their goals (call them plans, ambitions, hopes...) are what make us get more or less interested in them. The way they work to achieve their goals is what gives us an idea of their credibility and makes us keep or lose interest. And the way they react to success or failure tells everything about their attitude towards life.
And if you don´t have any goals, then you´re lost. That means you don´t expect anything from life, you just keep going no matter where. No ambitions, no purpose. No chance to be proud of yourself.
So you better get one.

So yes, back to my goals for 2015, I do have quite a few. I don´t know if I will achieve them, but I´m working on it. I don´t know if I will change my mind, but that´s something you can never know. I just want to know that, by the time I have to make my choice, I will have opened as many doors as possible. And then I will complain about how difficult my decision is, and I will have earned every right to complain.

Speaking of which, "the right to complain" will make a subject for an incoming post very soon.

In conclusion, I hope you and I succeed in our new year purposes, so that we can feel proud of ourselves, set new purposes and keep moving.

(And I hope one day I will get my dusty attic)

Traveler, it´s up to you to make the path.
Happy 2015!!!
:)